Personal: Parents and depression
Well, last days I felt slightly better thanks to Toob and just hanging around with friends. That was ruined though. I feel like utter shit and it’s my dads fault.
My dad went on yelling again, because I didn’t unimportant stuff. I can’t even care about him anymore. My mom is great, she is the one who raised me. The only way my dad TRIED to raise me is by raging. Off course my mom was disappointed too, but she was reasonable.
I told her I forget shitloads of things, because at every spare moment my head thinks about personal stuff. She was like: “You should try to stop it. It will give you problems on the HBO.” and I grinned sad and was like: “I can’t. I’m already like this for a half year.” “I want to know though.” “I will tell you when things with Remy are stable.” and she knew it wouldn’t help if she tries to force, because I would shut down completely to protect myself.
After that she wasn’t mad or anything. Note that my dad wasn’t around when this conversation happened. He went outside mad. He raged, but one thing I learned from this shitty period, that I will never get personally close with my dad. He judges me way too much and isn’t able to talk. I know I judge pretty fast too and I hate it, but at least I won’t yell that you’re worthless and stuff. Besides, I would talk want to talk with you in a normal way and won’t trow a monologue at you.
Another thing is that my dad tends to yell at me that I’m always busy with anything but my pc. It’s not true though. Definitively not true, but he doesn’t know, because when he comes home from work, he proceeds working on our little farm, which is a hobby of his. I never blamed him for that, while that makes him have almost no family time. I am raised by my mom, but I don’t blame my dad. The only times when he’s not at work outside is when it’s:
- Late, but then he’s tired and grumpy.
- Raining, but then he’s grumpy too.
- Sunday, but then it’s his free day and he doesn’t do a fuck either. (Can’t blame him for that though.)
- Dinner, which makes it the only half hour of the day where we really talk.
The only true family time with him is when we’re on a holiday, or rare moments where he’s not grumpy or lazy on one of the above occasions.
I guess that stuff will get better sometime. I just need to get things stable for at least a month first. It never will though. Thing is: I’m not sure if I’m depressed due shit, or that I am depressed due depression. I start to get the feeling that the last thing is true. I don’t know for sure, because the shit needs to get away first. *sighs*
Oh well. If you have read this rant: thank you~ If you didn’t I can’t blame you. xD